In her YouTube video titled, Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix, Tasha Eurich, Ph.D. in organizational psychology, discusses her research which indicates 95% of people think that they’re self-aware, but only 10-15% are.
I have used this video since 2017 to have a dialogue about the reality of Dr. Eurich’s research. The first time I watched the video I had mixed feelings about it, I was surprised then after thinking about not so much.
I spent several years working with Thomas International, owner of the DISC profile assessment, as a certified Thomas PPA analyst. Thomas International at the time had a very robust emotional intelligence assessment otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ. I took the EQ assessment believing I would do well because I had been facilitating EQ for several years.
I was flabbergasted at the results. I scored 56% out of a possible 99%. How could this be? I thought I was very self-aware, but not, as Dr. Eurich would point out. I decided to read the report with an open mind and I was enlightened as to how accurate the report was. The report made me look deeply at my emotional behaviors and realize I have challenges.
I called Thomas International and asked them to help me understand what I was reading in the report. I asked out of curiosity if anyone scores in the 90 percentile. They said yes and here is where the difference is. From years of research, they know that many people think they are self-aware, in fact, in many cases they are, however, what it comes down to is how they use the knowledge. In other words, people can be very self-aware but don’t practice emotional self-control.
What to look for
What I have discovered, thanks to Thomas International, is that people can be self-aware but have little to no idea how to manage those emotions. The assessment helped me to understand where my emotional intelligence strengths are and where my weakness is hiding.
My two lowest scores were for impulse control at 16% and 18% for stress management. I thought about these two scores for a few weeks and during that time I wrote down observations of myself in my journal, about situations that triggered weak impulse control and poor stress management.
During a meeting it happened, I realized that my lack of impulse control was being triggered by my lack of stress management. At the end of a stressful meeting, I announced that I was going to the mall at lunch to do retail therapy. Aha, the need to buy stuff to make me feel better, there it was. I realized what I had just said and instead of going to the mall, I went downstairs to the gym to reduce my stress which stopped the impulse of self-destructive buying. Now when a situation triggers my stress I go for a walk around the block, not the mall.
What the brain tells us
Dr. Daniel Kahneman, author of the book Thinking, Fast and Slow explains the brain has two versions of itself. The old brain or the primitive brain and the new brain where rational thought exists.
The primitive brain unconsciously operates 24/7 and is responsible for our prime directive of self-preservation as a species. This is where our emotions reside. Researchers in neuroscience will tell us that we can’t control our emotions because they’re hardwired into our DNA. Emotions are our first line of defense or offense when it comes to protecting ourselves.
This is why when something happens that challenges our belief system or provokes us into a response we react before we can consciously stop the reaction. That is how we are emotionally wired for self-preservation.
Emotional intelligence (EQ)
Emotional intelligence by definition is the ability to recognize and manage personal emotions and the emotions of others.
There are two domains of EQ:
- Self-awareness – The ability to manage personal emotions, which includes regulating one’s own emotions.
- Social awareness – Understand how your emotions affect others through your ability to manage your own emotions. Your response to situations or how you handle yourself when confronted or challenged will emotionally affect those around you. You can help others to manage their emotions based on how you manage yours.
In the definition of EQ the word control is never used, recognize and manage are. Herein lies the difference, you can be self-aware and know that you will get upset under certain conditions but what do you do about it? This is where recognizing what situations will evoke an emotional reaction from you and how you mitigate that emotion.
Identifying triggers
Emotions will happen and there’s no controlling them, so what can you do? Here are two things you can do.
1. Identify your triggers
Triggers are the situations, conditions, people, places, the crucial moments that push your emotional buttons. We are all plagued with them and you exactly what I’m talking about.
- Dinner with the in-laws
- Having to talk to your ex
- Speaking in public
- The annoying know-it-all
- When your boss instant messages you and asks, “Got a minute?”
- The team member who takes extra long breaks
- When your significant other puts the roll of toilet paper on the wrong way.
- Your children leave their clothes all over the floor
- The jerk who pours the last cup of coffee and walks away
The list goes on, and on, and on. For whatever reason, some situations and people just push our buttons.
2. Identify the emotion
Attached to each of these button pushers is the accompanying emotion. The emotion and intensity of the emotion will be different for each of us based on personal experiences. An important step in managing your emotions is to know what emotion shows up in each situation. Let’s look at that instant message from your boss, “Got a minute?” What happens, what do you experience?
- Terror
- Anxiety
- Panic
- The need for a new job
- What now!!?
- Crap
What is your emotion based on? Past experiences, your boss’s emotional intelligence, layoffs, your thoughts of what did I do now because we all love to be reprimanded.
The point is to be able to identify the emotion attached to each situation. If you understand your emotion and where it is coming from then you can do something about it, you can manage your emotional response.
My co-facilitator and I had a good laugh one day about the ‘got a minute’ message. We discover we both had the emotion of panic and then the ‘what now’ response. What we decided to do was when we messaged each other and asked if you have a second we would add a quick reason why. “Hey, got a second? Question on the EQ training.” We stopped panicking. We told our boss about the approach because we told him every time he did it, it would scare the crap out of us. We all laughed about it, so we asked him to add a quick reason. He did for about two weeks then stopped. From then on every time he messages us with “Got a minute?” We would just laugh because we were hoping he was just messing with us.
Exercise | Deliberate practice
If you believe you are very self-aware or not, I challenge you to do this. In your journal start making a list of situations and people who trigger your emotional button. Next to each trigger identify the emotion you experience. Once you can identify the emotion you can begin to come up with ways to manage that emotion.
If I’m going into a meeting that I know will be stressful, I go for a quick walk before the meeting to help reduce my stress. If I don’t have time before the meeting I do it right after. The point is, I know what types of meetings are stressful for me (the trigger) and I know those meetings increase my anxiety (the emotion) about my ability to do my job.
Ways to manage the emotion
For each of us how we manage our emotions will be different. The challenge is to find healthy ways to manage emotions. Retail therapy and binge eating are not, they may be fun but can lead to other triggers.
Think about reducing or eliminating the triggers if possible. If you can’t, just recognizing that the situation you are about to enter will trigger an emotion, is a step in the right direction. Make a list of healthy ways to manage your emotions.
- Walking
- Riding a bike
- Exercise of any kind
- Reading
- Chair exercises
- Daydreaming
- Take a break and chat with a friend
- Meditation
- Sketching
- Breathing exercises
- Listening to music
- Journaling the experience – this is a great way to uncover new ideas on how to handle the situation or can help you to get to the core of the emotion, the “What don’t I know?” behind your emotion.
- Talk to a professional – If you want to excel in emotional intelligence, talk to a professional. Asking for assistance is not a weakness, it’s a sign of wisdom.
Like everything else, understanding your emotional intelligence takes time and deliberate practice. Be patient with yourself, you will stumble and sometimes fall down, that’s part of growth and discovery. Don’t give up on yourself, you are worth the effort.
Your personal leader library
If you don’t have a leadership or personal library, start one. It is easy to forget about something when it is on your computer and you turn it off. However, there’s something about a hard copy book staring at you every day as a reminder of what you are learning or would like to change about yourself.
Daniel Goldman is known as a pioneer of emotional intelligence. His book, Emotional Intelligence is a great resource for your library.
Don’t wait for tomorrow, tomorrow never comes. What you have is today and this is the best time to begin anything.
